Stiffies and Things
by BlueJeanJunkie
Summary: One-shot. I, Draco Malfoy, am not getting utterly turned on by a certain female Weasley’s presence. Look, there’s the hag now. What are those girls laughing about? They pointed somewhere south of my stomach and… Feck, maybe I am.


**Disclaimer:** All things you recognize from the Harry Potter books belong to JK. Definitely, not me. No matter how much I wish and pray Draco is right beside me, lips hovering close to… Never mind.

**Summary:** One-shot. I, Draco Malfoy, am not getting utterly turned on by a certain female Weasley's presence. There's the hag now. What are those girls laughing about? They pointed somewhere south of my stomach and… Feck, maybe I am.

**A/N **This is just a little one-shot I wrote when I was bored. It's definitely not anything spectacular but I hope you enjoy it a bit anyway. Hopefully, you'll be gracious enough to drop a review:D

**Stiffies and Things**

It's the weather. It's the water the giant squid spouted on me when I hit it with that rock. It's the rock. It's the upcoming N.E.W.T.s. It's the chocolate cake that was served at dinner. No, it was the roasted chicken. NO! It was both.

It had to be! There was no way in this giant euglena-infested world that I was feeling 'woody' for HER! That Muggle lover! That Potter worshipper! That orange-haired twonk! That… that… CARROT! A very sexy, very attractive, very intelligent carrot but a carrot nonetheless. Oh, and a carrot that's star Chaser for the Gryffindor team. AGH! GRYFFINDOR! I can't get a STIFFY for a CARROT! A GRYFFINDOR WEASLEY CARROT!

See. There's just no way.

Oh, there she is. Crossing the hall. Phew. Nothing's happening. I need to be sure, of course, considering the huge pole that's up my ass, therefore making me a tight-ass, both literally and figuratively which I am rather proud of really. Though, you'd never hear me admit it. The pole up my ass thing, I mean. I would throw parties in celebration of my literal tight-ass-y-ness but I fear of too much exposure. I can't have any more ladies throwing themselves at me. That would just take up too much time. So, I pretended to be flicking off some lint from my pants when I was really checking and… BUGGER IT! BUGGER IT ALL TO HELL!

The slag had done it again! No! No! NO! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MEEEEEEE? Now, it's assured. It happens every time I so much as SEE her! THE BITCH! She's cast a spell on me! Not figuratively, LITERALLY, you idiots! AGHAGAHGAGHGAHGG! Next thing you know, I'm frothing at the mouth. I ran to the Boy's Bathroom just to confirm that I wasn't in fact frothing, even though I knew for certain that I wasn't. I looked at the mirror and there I was, Draco Malfoy, in all my glory. My flaxen hair was left down, almost covering my eyes. Grey eyes were staring lethally back at me. My noise was still pointed. My lips were still thin. I was still wearing my black Slytherin robes with the green emblem fixed on the left of my chest. I was still damn hot, if I do say so myself. Everything was still perfectly in place. So what was it? Why was I feeling this for the Weaslette? I walked out of the bathroom and surprise, surprise, there she was. About to enter the Girl's bathroom.

Well, might as well be nice. Maybe I could figure this out better that way. "Hey, Red."

Her hand on the door, she slowly craned her head to look at me, eyes narrowing in a mix of surprise and disdain. "What in the blazes are you after, Malfoy?"

I was shocked. I was being pleasant and immediately, I'm after something. "What? All I said was hey. You know, the greeting. It's quite common amongst the youth of today. Perhaps, you should try it sometime." I said.

"Am I really supposed to believe that coming from you?" she said, hands on her hips and death glare primed. She looked so goddamned beautiful right then and there that I couldn't reply for a moment or two. Her auburn hair fell in lustrous curls and framed her perfect face. Her cognac eyes had a sheen to them and those very eyes expressed whatever emotion she was feeling to a T. Sure, they looked like they were about to blow a fuse any second now but that didn't stop me from continuing my inspection. She had the fullest lips and a rosy blush to her cheeks. Every inch of her skin looked flawless and almost porcelain-like. Not to mention, every inch of her skin covered that hourglass physique and presented a plump rack. And though, she was facing me at this point in time, I knew that behind was a very nice offering of well-formed arse. I looked back up at her face and noticed that she had a full-on blush now, reaching even underneath her robes. Was it possible that I affected her in such a way as well? "By the almighty gods of chocolate and cheese, is a Malfoy checking me out?" she quipped.

"No, I'm not!" I shouted, although my eyes had drifted down to the creamy exposure between the both sides of the regulation button down shirt. The expanse had now turned red probably due to the mentally challenged, cerebrally damaged behavior I was currently displaying. I really must learn to think with my brain instead of my lad down under.

"I agree. Now, you should go and spread that gospel to the other unfortunate, disgusting beings otherwise known as males." she said. What? Did she read my thoughts? That's why I've been acting this way! Mind control! The unholy hag! I should have known! "Well, I'm very proud of you for declaring that, Malfoy. Now, preach, insipid ferret, preach like the wind." Oh, fuck. I had just said it aloud.

"Har har, Red. I am neither a fan of wind or preaching. Preaching just takes up too much of my precious time. And wind just messes up my hair." I said, oculars now directed at her faultless legs. Creamy, shapely but not overly so and just overall perfect, like everything about her was. I worship whoever thought of making the girls' uniforms so short.

"Draco, I'll mess up more than just your hair if you don't turn your filthy eyes from my legs." she said with the lethality of a viper. But… do I sense reluctance?

"Fine." my eyes drifted up to her middle where I knew a tight stomach lay hidden underneath the twannock robes. She sighed, looking down. I was about to speak up when all of a sudden, she gasped, glowered at me and stomped off. What did I do? I looked down and there it was. My clothed tallywhacker standing up for its cause. Oh, woe as me. I sighed to myself and walked to my next class. Wait, a minute. She just said my first name! I've caught her! I do affect her somehow. But she still marched off. Damn the merciless hormones of adolescence. Damn the X and Y chromosomes that made that entirely too beautiful lady.

14,400 seconds later, I was as depressed and horny as ever for her. First of all, I blew it. It's a good thing she hadn't noticed it before the time she did because then we wouldn't have gotten past an opening sentence. And I still hadn't satisfied the ding-a-ling at all. I attempted to with this crackling (although, no one was as crackling as HER) Ravenclaw brunette awhile ago but it didn't do any fulfilling. It needed to be her. Despite my former thoughts, I realized I wasn't crazy. Hell, I'd be crazy not to want to fulfill her every fantasy. I just had to deal with this.

It was going to be dinner not too long from now but I didn't even care. We were going to have chocolate cake and that wouldn't help my current state. So I decided to take a walk around the lake and not hit the squid this time. I was already in the hall that led to the entrance when I bumped into Red and sent her falling to the ground. And what do you know, pop went my little ferret. I couldn't help it. She was just too damn gorgeous for her and my own good.

I offered her a hand and my apologies. She looked up and realized just who was being so affable. She took my hand and got up. She had the grace to blush and only furthered my condition with sudden thoughts of what I could _physically_ do to make her blush like that again. "Look, Draco…" there was the name again. Perhaps we were making progress?

"Red, I… I apologize for the… stiffy… a while ago. And for the one now……….. I didn't and don't… mean for it to happen. It just does." I said, looking at the captivating tiled floors.

"It's all right. Hormones are out of wack for all of us. I know it isn't me that's causing it, don't worry. It just sort of shocked me so I walked off." she stated.

"Oh, and how do you know it isn't you?" Where the hell did that come from? Oh, fuck. Me and my bloomin' big mouth.

Shocked, she blushed again, her eyes leveled at the ground. "Um… Well… I just assumed that you would never feel that way towards me."

She looked so innocent yet so utterly shaggable at the same time that I settled on something. Fuck it. I'm gonna be honest. "Well, I know Deatheaters are off their rocker but contrary to what others think, I'm not one and I'm not going to become one. So I'm completely sane when I say… I'm attracted to you." There. A few seconds passed and she still had her eyes on the floor. What was it with the floor? She's in love with it, isn't she? Ouch. Bloody hell, am I jealous?

A long moment later, she finally looked up and if it weren't for the fact that I'd look like I really was barmy, I would have jumped for joy at the look of utter mischief she had on. "Then I guess we have to do something about that, don't we?"

I smirked. "I couldn't agree more."

She stepped towards me and I stepped towards her. She took another step and I closed the distance. We were there for about an hour before we heard people coming our way and we took it to one of the glorious empty classrooms Hogwarts has to offer. All I could think of was thank God for the chocolate cake and the roasted chicken.

**Fin  
**

A/N Now before you lynch me for wasting fanfiction space, I just did this out of complete boredom. evades angry readers

I'm really not that familiar with the new ratings so can anyone suggest what rating this should be on? I made it rating T but I'm not that sure. What do you guys think?

Well, thanks for reading. Hope you'll review. Love y'all.


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